I had no idea the heaviness that walked with fear until I was able to release the burden. Feeling the freeing sensation and lightness to my step was overwhelming and exhilarating. The release of a deep seeded burden had been let go, and I was transformed. Before I get too far ahead of myself let me share my story of fear with you.
We all share in the common story line of childhood. Here we shape our foundation; we start to understand our strengths and weaknesses, and build this idea of who we are as we go. Well let me tell you, sometimes when you stumble in childhood the scuff left behind can linger. This is exactly what happened to me. I have had a fear of water since I can remember. When I was 4 years old I tripped and fell down into a stream where I would have met my demise if it wasn’t for my watchful hound. My dog jumped into action and pulled my small body from the water. The splotchy memory that formed from that experience delved deep within me and awakened that sense of fear. A few more water mishaps throughout my adolescents pretty much summed up my relationship with water; we didn’t mix. Keeping my insecurity close to my heart; very few people knew of my doubted trust near water.
Now, I am 32 years long on this planet and ready to walk away from that bulky burden. What was my quick fix elixir? Well let me start by saying I didn’t have the expectation to fully release the load of fear; but you know what is said about not holding expectation, that’s where the magic happens.
I booked an appointment to try a sensory deprivation tank or better known now as, “The Float Experience”. During the appointment you float naked (or at least I did) in a dark pool of salt water. With the body suspended in water the idea of the float is to relax and let go, both in mind and body. Being a yoga teach you may think I’m centered all of the time and just radiate Zen, ok yea so most days I’m pretty aware of me, but that day, appointment day, I was head in the clouds with no grounding anchor, I.E., I was scared.
I reluctantly entered the room with the float tank. The Spa Tech walked me through the set up and the procedure. While I looked like I was listening, I swear I have no idea what she even said to me. Once I was alone in the room I undressed and entered the water. The water was warm and the air temperature perfect, the tank had a low current to it and the lighting was dim. I had one hour to do this and I was not going to turn back. With my body floating in the water and my hand fully grasping the side of the tank I floated there. Heart racing, thoughts jumping, and body saying no, nope, not now, GET OUT! I pressed on. I was determined to relax. I was determined to let go. I was determined to prove to myself that this fear was rooted out of an experience I survived. As time passed I deepened my breath. I brought my focus into my inhales and exhales. With each steady intake of air I let myself become aware of all the sensations associated with bringing life into my body. Upon my exhale, I felt my belly fall and my chest collapse as I pushed the hot dank air from the bottom of my lungs. With each breath cycle I felt my heart rate slow and my mind become a little calmer. There came a point where I felt like it is now or never, let go of the edge. I had to make choice. I could either let that fear continue to hold me and keep me from experiences or I could take a leap of faith and see what happens. With a deep, steady, and determined inhale I prepped my mind, and with my slow and sure exhale I opened my grasp. I closed my eyes and committed to myself an affirmation of strength. I simply repeated; I am not afraid I am free. Again, and again, and again I said this. With each deep breath and repetition of my affirmation I began to trust this experience a little bit more. By the end of my time in the tank, I was free floating in the salt water; the room was dark, and my mind at ease. There came a point within this experience that I will never forget. As I floated there, body and mind connected and aware I felt this amazing sense of gratitude wash over my whole being. I was thankful for every single little and big thing in my life. From the blue sky above to the dark experiences of my past, I felt grateful. It was then that I knew I had released my fear of water.
The days that followed my float I continued to feel that shift within gratitude. The only word to explain what this release of burden felt like was lightness. It was like a dark weight had been shed and I was free to experience life.
If there is one thing I could tell you about this release it would be for you to go head to head, toe to toe with whatever it is that holds you back. For me, I had to experience my fear alone within darkness to be able to pull myself into the light. I proved to me, my own being, that I am the only thing that can hold me back. With this fullness and confidence to my life I no longer will be pulled into something that ebbs my evolution.
For you, I hope you find inspiration within my words to conquer your fear.
Namaste
